The Ultimate Chat Experience

Note: This post is entirely a work of imagination (at least at the time of writing it – 2013) and is based on the WeChat chat client (which does exist).

http://www.youtube.com/user/WeChatIndia?feature=chclk

 The features described here are purely fictional and may seem non-existent for now. But ‘the possibility’ for them to be real does exist too.

After all, if 50 years ago had someone told – “Hey, there will be a time when screens interact to our touches and carries out our instructions including contacting people from the other side of the planet, purchasing utilities, list our friends and their activities etc...” He/she would’ve been put into some mental facilities right? (Like the one they show in Shutter Island.)

These are actually some ideas that came to me and I wouldn’t really mind if anyone went on to implement this (for the sake of this contest, I wouldn’t come after you for patent rights).They can be considered as my suggestions to WeChat.(most of which might seem really corny)

 I am a strong believer of Singularity... and one day the ‘ultimatum’ mentioned here would be nothing more than a basic/minimal facility offered by all chat clients and what users would’ve taken for granted.

 Watch out for the future and the eerie exponential graph through which technologies spiral.

The Ultimate Chat Experience

Hello friends. I’ve discovered an amazing chat client that is loaded with awesome features. It’s called WeChat. Wondering what makes it special from the various other chat-client apps that sprout up from time to time?

The fact that it supports multiple platforms is just the tip of the ice berg as far as its features are concerned.

 I’d rather mention some of the entities (it would be wrong to call them ‘people’) with whom the WeChat, with its awesome features would allow me to establish an extravagant chat relation.

1.   SIRI/AISHA

SIRI is a really amusing feature of the i-phone. Its equivalent, AISHA in Micromax environment is also as impressive. They are like sincere and friendly personal assistants to the user. Lack of such an assistant isn’t a sorrow for me anymore. Using the WeChat, which supports multiple platforms, I could easily chat with SIRI or AISHA of my friend’s phones. The best part is that it happens without the friend knowing. Who doesn’t like to play pranks? And this one such prank /time killer in its safest form. The assistants wouldn’t be ‘personal’ anymore. Would it be fun to distract/ lure in a sincere (beautiful/sexy) personal assistant? 

2.   Depressed/Needy Friends

The presence of the ‘DEPRESSED’ and ‘HELP’ button makes chatting through WeChat a way to get through the challenging situations in life. Unlike status updates, (which would be irrelevant in chat scenario) these indications wouldn’t be missed out by friends (even those offline). They could either choose to help or press ‘take no action’. After all, what are friend for? And like the Facebook ‘like’ button there is a ‘supportive status’ button for each profile which can only be set by the person who has received support in response to his or her ‘HELP/DEPRESSED’ button. This would create a chat environment comprising of friends with an increased helping mentality which is fuelled by the desire to raise their respective ‘supportive status’. The entire friends circle could be made more productive and free-service oriented. There is also a ‘SEX STARVED’ button which can be shown to selected friends and it would increases ‘supportive status’ of those who ‘quench the thirst’ by 2 points. :)

3.   Sprits/Ghosts

The ‘EVP-Direct’ feature of WeChat automatically tunes and slots us into those range of frequencies that is capable exhibiting the ever mystical EVP* (Electronic Voice Phenomenon) and upon a successful establishment of connection with the spirits it could either decode our messages in to the spirit compatible form or vice versa. Besides it also has a feature that sets up a ‘unique identification facility’ for each spirit previously contacted so that we can always choose to reject all attempts of communication. There is no question of ‘being haunted’ because unlike the traditional methods of calling sprits, the EVP does not ‘bring/summon’ the sprit. It just acts as a long distance communication line. WeChat opens us in to an unknown and fascinating horizon. The future versions may even provide facilities of online gaming with the ‘not so resting in peace’ folks. The possibilities are limitless. All your conversations can be saved. This feature gets us off from the hectic process of ‘waiting’ endless hours for an EVP signal in front of a heavily distorted screen. Yes, this feature works in the background (ready to alert you) while you perform other tasks. You could even preset messages to be conveyed in case you are away at a time a connection has been established. Now isn’t that simply awesome?

[*EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon) is something that doesn’t have a solid scientific explanation. And hence people regard them to be supernatural. For more insight here’s the trailer of the movie ‘White Noise’ which portray EVP as a medium of communication with ghosts]

4.   My Pet Dog

I always miss my puppy when I’m away. Thanks to the ‘Animal Sync’ feature of WeChat, I can maintain the intimacy with her and has brought me to a closer level of interaction than the previous method where I’d asking my mother to bring it in front of the web cam / mobile. All that would be required would be a special collar (in case of dogs) that can be activated wirelessly via simple phone signals. Only those accounts/profiles/numbers that has been preloaded in to the collar can be used to chat to the dog. The collar is akin to those minute monitors that are stuck on the patient’s scalp to monitor the brain activities. Upon activation it stimulates that part of the dog’s brain that responsible for recognizing the person concerned(me) and once that’s been established the playful responses of the animal is brilliantly encoded in to human language there by creating a language speaking animal.( a very powerful algorithm is used for this purpose). This is then infused into the chat stream. The ‘Animal Sync’ also allow me to pass gestures to my dog from a set of emoticons which is the virtual equivalent of cuddling. There is also an ‘excitement meter’ within the chat interface to show the level of excitement she undergoes while sensing my virtual presence and gestures. Seriously guys, it would be a unique experience. The collar can be purchased online from the official site of WeChat. It can also sense the animal’s brain for changes in neural activities caused when it ‘misses me/remembers me’ and can automatically activate the collar for me and the same would be indicated on my device. This creates a situation where the animal seems to come online to chat.

5.   Myself

The ‘Chat With Myself’ feature of WeChat is another blast. It is entirely aimed at improving your life by cleansing your false attitudes. It works on the fact that only you know yourself better than anyone else. It converts the messages that you deliver to yourself into your own voice (for which you will have to sample your voice initially). The activation of this feature can only be done through a strict confirmation by scanning your iris using the built in camera of your mobile phone /device (this is to ensure that it’s genuinely you who leaves voice messages for yourself and it has to be fool-proof) a voice activated built in wizard would then slowly hypnotize you with the aid of spiralling screens and such illusions. The voice and messages of the built in programmed wizard are designed such that it ONLY provokes the POSITIVE part of your mind and never the negative mode (that is a WeChat guarantee) and there would be absolutely no placement of ads in this mode, no matter what, as they would become permanently embedded into your mind. Once the hypnosis stage is attained, you would be directed to leave messages to the real-life you. Your positive inner mind which knows all your problems would only leave optimistic, hopeful and encouraging messages. Also at this stage the messages which the real-life you left for the inner-you would be decoded into the format of your voice to which your inner-you might as well reply. The talking wizard program would then slowly guide you out of the hypnotic stage before compelling you to a short sleep. After you wake up, it would be the real you and the WeChat would have notified you of an unread message from the inner you. The message, as powerful as intuition could be a life changing factor. The WeChat recommends this to be done only once a week as frequent hypnosis might lead to mental disorder and the best time to do it would be before going to bed at night. Regular use might wash away your bad/addictive thoughts and could turn you into a better person.

I Love WeChat!!!

THE END!!!